As I consider our first blog post I find myself troubled. I'm not sure that this will work. Obviously, there is the fact that my co-contributor and occasional co-host of the video version of RBTL, is a vortex of stupid. I'm not sure that if the ability to scream is removed from him that he can still make any sort of compelling sports points. I'll set the bar low but you should just brace yourself for seeing a shit load of Biggie writing in all capital letters saying things that start with, "I just took a shit and looked in the toilet and...". I’m serious.
Beyond my fears that my co-contributor may or may not have ridden the short bus to school back in the day, I am worried after reading the terms of use for these Google blogs. Specifically the following parts are of concern:
HATEFUL CONTENT: “Users may not publish material that promotes hate toward specific groups of people”
VIOLENT CONTENT: “Users may not publish direct threats of violence against any person or group.”
To our soon-to-be avid fans, let me say that we fully intend to ignore these guidelines. I hereby declare that this blog will be used for the express purpose of promoting hatred of professional and college athletes who are bitches, pussies, dumbasses, dipshits, soft, lazy, arrogant as fuck, may or may not have cheated to beat our teams and who currently or have ever played for the Minnesota Vikings. For example, Trash-varis Johnson is the worst fucking player I have ever seen start at quarterback and is still involved in a preseason "quarterback battle" in the Vikings camp this summer. What does that tell you? Also, A-rod is a cheating pussy ass prima donna super bitch who is not qualified to lick Don Mattingly's grundle.
Secondly I hereby declare that this blog will frequently contain, nay, feature direct threats of violence against Biggie where logic has failed to convince him. So assuming that we're still all good and will not be shut down by Google or reported to any sort of good person watch dog group, let's get into it.
Section 1 - In the toilet:This one is hard to say given that all sports I watch are either in the finals (NBA) or the offseason (pro and college football; college basketball). But I gotta say the NBA is in the toilet:
1.) You didn’t get the Lebron-Kobe matchup you wanted
2.) You and your sponsors were shamelessly hyped an assumed finals matchup as early as the first round of the playoffs. That is bullshit.
3.) You have a serious credibility issue with your refs and how they make calls on superstars and bigger market teams.
4.) You have the shittiest draft class in years staring you in the face
Shamelessly masturbating all season to the thought of a Lebron Kobe matchup gives the impression of bias and inserts the influence of commercial marketing way too far into the competitive field. When I refer to the shameless masturbation on the part of the league, I’m referring to the marketing blitz surrounding the Lakers and Cavs final matchup. I simply do not believe that League does not have control over how they are marketed. Nike running Lebron-Kobe commercials is the same in my mind to the NBA running those commercials. They actively hype their stars to promote their league of course, but I’m pretty sure they went way too far this time. Maintain some objectivity.
I don’t need to point out the NBA’s credibility gap with their refs. It's been pretty well covered. I don’t know how to fix it necessarily – I’ll leave that to smarter people. But there’s been a disturbingly high number of games and even series in recent memory that feel like the result was called in by David Stern.
And frankly your prospective draft lottery prominently features two guards (Stephon Curry and Ricky Rubio) that weigh a maximum of 160 pounds respectively… soaking wet. And Hasheem Thabeet. Nuff said.
Section 2 - Pyramid of Douchebaggery:Row 1:
Manny Ramirez – Tested positive for steroids and defended himself by saying that his doctor had prescribed him a drug that stimulates ovaries.
Baseball fans: Manny Ramirez is still third in the all star voting – you don’t even care anymore!
Brandon Marshall – You cannot stay out of the news for things like beating your girlfriend and drugs. You have to be kidding me. How hard is it to go to work, come home, have a beer, watch TV and go to bed. None of those things involves getting arrested. How is it so hard? Wise the fuck up!
Row 2:
Robin Soderling: Ever heard of him? Of course not. He’s the dude who beat Rafael Nadal in the French Open, breaking Nadal’s clay court win streak. Afterwards he talked a bunch of shit about how it wasn’t even his best match and how he’s got a big dick and blah blah blah. If he wins the French open, I’ll have to take some of this back, but in the meantime have a little humility when you’ve beaten the world number one player because you were lucky enough to catch him on his worst day. Pussy.
Everyone who is in the basketball reporting division at ESPN: The Magic lost a game on the road. Big fucking deal. Yeah it was ugly, but to have a thousand doomsday columns about how the Magic are dead in the water for the rest of the finals is Bullshit. They just didn’t hit their threes. That’s it. Orlando’s going to make it a series; especially given the fucked up finals format. They’re going to have 3 games in a row at home. ESPN is just a modern day media conglomerate version of chicken little. The Fox News of sports reporting – yeah, I went there.
Top of the pyramid: John Calipari - Never been known as a great coach. Great recruiter? Definitely. Program builder? For sure. Your team will be better for having Calipari at it’s head. But it won’t be good enough because even with the NBA team he had two years ago, they still lost. And you can argue that that wasn’t his fault, and it’s true – but it’s also true that he has never won a championship. But the question has always remained – how does he get these recruits? He is at least in the hunt for every top prospect at every position every year. And now maybe we know. Looks like he has a pretty sweet way of laundering SAT scores. Robert Dozier and Derrick Rose have both been implicated in an SAT cheating operation. The obvious conclusion here is that John Calipari has built his teams every year, not through tireless recruiting effort and an expertise in talking to elite 17 year old basketball players, but through out and out cheating. Offering a scholarship to players who cannot even pass the SAT – and for college athletes, that bar is pretty low. I never really like John Calipari in the past because he’s a huge douche and used to get in screaming matches with John Chaney at press conferences and overall has a complete absence of poise and dignity. But I used to at least have to respect him. Now he’s pretty much just a douche.
Section 3 - Hate of the Week:
Nike Basketball: FUCK YOU! Remember when you debuted that whole lineup of stars that you had bought? It was all sick and it had Kobe and Lebron and Chris Paul and Rasheed Wallace and basically it was the US Olympic team? Remember that? What the fuck ever happened to that? Now all we get is these stupid ass commercials using Puppets to hype a Lebron Kobe matchup that isn’t even going to happen, at the expense of the rest of the league. When you were hyping all 12 dudes at least there was a star in there from a fairly good cross section of teams. But this whole business of predicting the finals with your bullshit commercials before the first round is over pisses me off. And, AND the commercials aren’t even funny. They’re annoying and we’ve already seen them 50,000 times. When you were making those commercials with “The Lebrons“, that was awesome. I can’t believe you ever walked away from it. For myself, I didn’t really care about the Magic before. I mean Dwight Howard is cool and everything but whatever, I was pretty neutral. Now I want them to win so badly, so they can go through both of the stars whose images you are currently humping the shit out of and deliver a big fat shit bomb into the lap of your marketing department and hopefully make someone over there say, “You know, maybe calling the finals at the very beginning of the playoffs is not only incredibly douchey and against the whole spirit of the playoffs as it is, but even bad for business.” Fuck you. There is a reason they play the games. And if nothing better happens in the playoffs for this Nuggets fan than watching you motherfuckers learn that, that will be fine with me.
