Episode 2!!! 11/12/09

RBTL-Season3-Episode2- 11/12/09 from RabbitProductions on Vimeo.

Irrational Collection of NFL Thoughts

Thought #1 (while reading ESPN news headlines in the middle of the week):
Eric Mangini's career is strangely similar to George W Bush's presidency. They both debuted in the middle of disastrous circumstances, had a brief moment where it appeared that they were holding their shit together and then proceeded to crash around so violently in the throes of their incompetence that they ruined everything around them. In the case of Bush's presidency that "everything" was, you know, the world. In Mangini's case it was the Jets and currently, the Browns. You can't blame this shitty ass season on the talent. First of all, the talent's really not that bad. Second of all, shitty talent doesn't make you run all the wrong plays at all the wrong times. And lastly, they just SUCK. If you replaced Mangini with even the second worst coach in the NFL (say, Brad Childress) I gotta believe the browns are at least 5-11 maybe 6-10. The point is this: Mangini makes Romeo Crennel look like a flipping genius. Personally, I suspect that Mangini has quit on the season. With the way his assistant coaches are just having diarrehea of the mouth around any media microphone that happens to show up... I mean just read this shit:

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[from their D-coordinator regarding reports of an impending fan protest of the Browns shittiness] :

"That [ticks] me off. This is Cleveland. They're going to show up and back this damn team," outspoken defensive coordinator Rob Ryan said. "This is a town that's tough and that loves football. Nobody's happy. I hate me, too. So they hate me. Great. Doesn't mean you turn your back.

AND:

"I've got a kid who flunked a class one time and it [ticked] me off. I don't turn my back on him. I go get a tutor and help him."

AND [with regard to Aaron Rodgers commenting on how the Packers' scout team ran a blitz in practice better than the Browns did in the game]:

"I respect the guys that talk before the game," said Ryan. "The guys who tell you how much they're going to kick your butts, and then they do it or you can shut them up. He can say whatever he wants. I don't care about him. I've got no time for a guy like that."

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Now, you see, that's just insane. The fact that the discreet and classy Rob Ryan is allowed anywhere near the press at this point proves to me that Mangini has quit. That and the fact that I can't remember the last time the Browns scored a touchdown. And let the record show that this may be the first time that a coach has ever quit on his team (as opposed to a team quitting on its coach - like the Jaguars are doing).



Thought #2 (Had while watching this whole season and the 5 or 6 before it):

Enough with the throw back uniforms. ENOUGH. This shit has gone on long enough. At first it was cool, because the Cowboys were the first team to do it and honestly their old uniforms looked cooler than their current ones. But it has gone on year after year, and it just keeps getting worse.

I want to know what's inspiring this marketing idea. Because I'm assuming that it goes something like this: The NFL assumes that there are these aging fans out there who are just about to turn their backs on the game because it's just not the same. And just in the nick of time, they may catch a glimpse of the Jets wearing uniforms that make it look like the whole team has been wallowing around in medical waste before the game. And then maybe they'll think to themselves, "why don't I get another a decade of season tickets before I make up my mind?"

Is this the rationale? I want to know. Because I can't think up any other reason.




Thought #3 (Had while watching NFL highlights tonight):

Dear Mr. Miles Austin,

You are having a damn good season. Really great work. But you should really make sure you can even dunk a basketball before you try to imitate T.O.'s sweet take-off-from-the middle-of-the-endzone-and-dunk-the-ball-over-the-crossbar. There's an athleticism gap there. I honestly, physically cringed while watching that shit. It was embarrassing.

P.S. I wouldn't be surprised if the rest of the league catches up to your one single good move in a hurry. But seriously, really good work so far.




Thought #4 (Had tonight after the Packers - Vikings game):

That sucked.




Thought #5 (Had while doing homework and watching NFL highlights with the sound off and closed captioning on):

The closed captioning tried to spell Percy Harvin and ended up spelling it Pursy Harvin. And boom, now I have a new nickname for that fucking douche. EVEN THE TV KNOWS YOU'RE A PUSSY...., HARVIN!!!!



My Truth,

JV

There's Plenty of Room at the Bottom

So during games on Sunday, the NFL is proudly touting the fact that for the first time in history 3 teams are at 6-0 in week 7. On the surface this seems like a good thing. Like we're approaching some sort of impending battle of the titans at the end of the year. For anyone with even the most basic functional cognition who has been watching these games, you know better.

The trade off for these three 6-0 teams is that there is an entire legion of teams that are so historically shitty - I need to stress how literal I'm being here - they can't even snap the ball. So it's a good thing that Denver, Indianapolis and New Orleans are all undefeated? Tell that to the fans of the Raiders, Browns, Titans, Lions, Bills, Chiefs, Dolphins, Redskins, Panthers, Rams, Bucs and Jaguars. And also mention that to the tens of thousands of fans who get excited for some Sunday football and then find out that the only game on is Bills vs. Browns and the score is 3-3 in the fourth, and it seems to be headed for a tie. Fuck ME!

How did we get here? How have we arrvied at a scenario where with 1/3 of the season over, more than 1/3 of NFL teams are pretty much out of the hunt? A few obvious answers leap to mind: unbelievably shitty owners (Daniel Snyder, Al Davis), profoundly shitty coaches (Dick Juaron, Eric Mangini), record breakingly shitty quarterbacks (Derek Anderson, Demarcus Russell, Jake Delhomme) etc etc. I don't have any answers. I don't know how to fix it, but I do know that it seemed to me, in seasons of yesteryear, that if you flipped on a game of NFL football, you could expect to be reasonably entertained by competative contest between two competent football teams. Now think about what you're getting: If one of these 12 bad teams (12!) teams plays a good team, it's a shitty game. If either of these bad teams plays another bad team, I find myself wondering if it would be more fun to watch or to just sit on the couch and punch myself in the balls for 3 hours. It's that bad. Well no it's not. But you might want to check that TV schedule before you just decide that you'll watch whatever's on during the first NFL timeslot of the day.

- You think Mike Tomlin feels good about himself these days? What the fuck were those gold-rimmed aviators during the Minny game? Every time Pittsburgh did something good, they'd cut to a shot of him wearing those things, head slightly inclined, just striking the pose. I love it. I just became a Mike Tomlin fan. Not a Steelers fan, just a Mike Tomlin fan. If he ends up being a transcendent coach, those glasses will occupy the same place in history as Tom Landry's fedora. And that's something I'd like to see.

- Larry Johnson - You were not made for the digital information page. Please never spit, text, tweet or post or say anything ever again.

- More drama from the San Francisco 49ers never ending carousel of quarterbacks. Is it even possible that both of those guys are so inconsistent? I'm starting to wonder if this isn't the result of some back room arrangement in the 49ers front office to create drama and national media attention for the franchise. If this were Nascar I wouldn't even have to wonder. And hilariously I have to assume that the Redskins, Raiders and Bucs are all sitting around dreaming of having two quarterbacks who could sometimes remember how to throw.

- Jamarcus Russell is the greatest gift to this blog since Tony Romo. I can picture him before every game looking at himself in the mirror and telling himself that today is the day he becomes great. I haven't see someone so oblivious to his own shittiness since Dante Culpepper.

- That's pretty much all for now. I have to go finish excavating my media-proof bunker so I can seek shelter from all the Favre-coming-back-to-Lambeau hype. Seriously, I won't watch Sportscenter for a week. This promises to be the absolute apex of Rachel Nichols (ESPN's senior meaningless bullshit correspondent) career. Fucking Clown Shoes!! I can't support it.

- Also I'm fired up that Vikings lost (we're right on your heels you pussies!!!!) and that the NBA starts this week. Look for the NBA and to make up some ground on the NFL this year. They honestly might have a better product.

Season 3, Episode 1!!!

Well, it took me a while to get it done, but here we are. We have overcome the obstacle of distance with the miracle of the internet, and the hate continues...

Enjoy. Boomtho

RBTL-Season3-Episode1- 9/22/09 from RabbitProductions on Vimeo.

Football (Related) Notes - Just read it

Welcome back Sports Nation and a happy week 3 to you. I have another brief dispatch of thoughts for the legions of fans that are waiting with baited breath for the next post. It shall not disappoint... probably. You see America, I have been spending my weekends of late camped out on my couch, multi-tasking my way through eating, studying, petting my dog and watching a shit load of football. My exposure to the league this year is veritably unprecedented. Not unprecedented for me, I mean... like, for the earth. Anyways, brace yourself for startling truths that you didn't even know that you were already aware of.

Thought 1: Miami is the universal champion of finding ways to lose. I can't imagine being a Miami fan right now. There is no reason they should be losing. The wild cat formation was such ridiculously good coaching, that every other two bit hack in the league with access to an athletic quarterback decided to steal the idea for this season. But Miami still does it better than anyone else. They have power, size, athleticism, experience and legitimate big names on both sides of the ball. And yet every time they get within the twenty they suddenly forget how to play football. Today, Miami pushes San Diego all over the field on their first drive, right down to the one yard line. Something goes wrong with the exchange on a hand off and the ball gets fumbled through the back of the endzone. And this was only the first of maybe 5-6 critical points of the game where Miami inexplicably forgot the difference between their ass and a hole in the ground. It's amazing. Their the best 0-3 team ever. Except:

Thought 2: The Tennessee Titans are a damn good team. They're stacked on both sides. They've got a running back who's exploding right now. They have veterans all over the field and they just keep running into teams who are just a little bit better than them. I mean there are teams out there like the Browns and the Rams who deserve to be 0-3. They have hit that extra special level of losing where everyone in the secondary takes horrible angles and ends up running into each other, springing huge plays for the other team. You know, the stuff from the highlight reels of the 80s Buccaneers. But the Titans have the sort of roster and staff top to bottom that those teams had before they realized they had drifted off. I honestly hope they end up making the playoffs because if they don't, some bunch of shit-eating morons, looking at you AFC West, is going to be in the playoffs instead of them, and it offends my sense of justice.

Thought3: Daniel Snyder cannot buy himself a championship. Literally. Get it? I love the fact that people like him exist. Nerdy, aggressive little pussies that got beat up in school and then made a shit ton of money and decided to buy a sports team. These little bitches always think that they can finance their way to a championship. Remember the $100 Million Roster? When that dumbass signed the Bruce Willis, Deon Sanders and every other superstar in the league who was on his last legs? Yeah, well now they're paying $100 Million just to Albert Haynesworth (over a number of years, but whatever). And how's that working out? They have one lucky win over the fucking RAMS! That's it. They lost to the Lions of all fucking teams. And Haynesworth got carted off the field with a towel on his head. Not looking good.

Thought 4: A couple of college thoughts now. This Tim Tebow cult thing is getting a little too much for me. A friend of mine posted his status message the other day saying "Does God have a Tim Tebow complex?" Hyperbole, you say? But watching the sports community shit their collective pants when Tebow went down with, granted a serious, but common concussion was over the top. The updates every five to ten coming in while I was watching another game had a panicked feel to them; along the lines of "This just in, Tim Tebow just THREW UP as they were taking him off the field." and cut to the shot of Florida fans looking on as though they were bearing witness to their child being torn apart by a bear. This shit is just nuts. I can't wait for him to go to the NFL so he can be the next Vince Young and never heard from again. Right now he's kind of the defacto leader of yet-to-be-formed cult of bible thumping southerners. Seriously he is God to those people.

Thought 5: America, I am still licking my wounds after watching Iowa come into Beaver Stadium in my original hometown, State College, PA and lay an out and out asskicking on Penn State. I mean, for a highly ranked team looking to beat the hell out of what was supposed to be the mere shell of a team that wasn't that good last year, Penn State got seriously, seriously cleaned up. But the great thing about being a Penn State fan is being able to take shelter in the long view. For most of the other teams in country, you have the urgency of young coaches trying to make their break as the next big thing in college football, driving their kids to win for them. It adds urgency to games especially after a few tough seasons. Not with JoePa. He was a new coach once. Like before all those other coaches were born, literally. And he hails from a different era of college football. He is class itself. Asked all week if this game was about revenge he said, "I don't know what revenge has to do with it. They didn't sneak up on us and stab us in the back. They were a good team and played hard and beat us. That's all". Quite honestly, it would be nice to see other coaches take this sort of view, even though I know they don't have the luxury. The special thing about rooting for Penn State is knowing that you are rooting for a program that is geared towards competing at the highest level, with the utmost class and having goals beyond winning games. It was JoePa's idea (back in like 1965) to funnel money made my the football team back into the university for academic purposes. Penn State is so much more than a backwater agricultural school is because of that football team. When in so many other cases rooting for a program is essentially just a form of insane preoccupation with a random logo, Penn State is more than that. Do I want them to win it all every year? Definitely. Do I hate watching them lose? More than you can imagine. But in the back of my mind I know that there are more important things going on there. And that credit is due to JoePa. And we will lose all of that when he's gone.

Thought 6: Finally a brief shout out to Pizza Hut. There are really only so many things you can do with pizza. I mean, it's only got like 3-4 ingredients. And yet Pizza Hut is there every football season, having pulled a new kind of "specialty" pizza out of their ass. I think the current incarnation involves a ring of cheese baked around the edge of the sauce. It is remarkable only because they came up with a different way of making it for each of the past 20 years in a row. Simply stunning.

Fuck ME! and early NFL Thoughts

So we're clear: technical difficulties are being worked out and you can expect that Biggie and I will return to bringing you video sports content ASAP. Because nobody, including me is really loving the written form. If I can't yell it in Biggie's face, it's just not as much fun. For anybody.

That being said, I'm also working on some technical difficulties that will allow me to actually watch football games live on a television set. But until that gets worked out my keen intelligence has already picked up enough info from NFL.com highlights to make a shit load of bold predictions and sharp observations.

Observations:

1.) Brett Favre in a Vikings jersey is one of the worst things I've ever seen. In case you're wondering, yes, it made me want to punch myself in the balls. The image is really that ugly.

2.) Because every Brett Favre snap warranted a highlight, I feel it's safe to say that his debut looked like shit. He got hit more times than he had completions. And perhaps his only completion came on that same old shit that Packers fans had come to dread: The play where he throws into double coverage because he knows where he's going to throw the ball before the snap comes.

3.) Following from #2, why did he get hit so much? The two most obvious answers is that the Vikings O-line pulled an Any Given Sunday and just let D-lineman through because Brett Favre is a fucking distracting sideshow to an otherwise very promising season (more on this in a second) and he missed all of training camp being all fucking smarmy and elusive about whether he was coming back. Either that or it was because the O-line sucks that bad. Either way that performance by th O-line was not good for the Vikes. They basically took a shit on Brett Favre's face at the 50 yard line.

4.) Why is Brett Favre even there? His decrepit feet and throwing arm managed one shitty completion for 9 yards (setting up a 4th and 1 that was not converted), and the rest of the time he was on his ass. Enter Tavaris Jackson and believe me, I can't believe I'm writing this, he looked fucking DYNAMIC. Escaping from the rush, rolling out, throwing across his body, hitting 64 yard tochdown passes in stride off the run... I mean dynamic. The ultimate cherry on the top of this whole thing is that it looks to me as if Tavaris is finally ready to be a starting quarterback in spite of Brad Childress starting him too early in his career and just as he blossoms the dumbest child molester on earth (Brad Childress in case you're new to this blog) brings the fucking circus to town and installs an aging has been quarterback with no real chance to be good in his place. Now, if you knew all this as a Vikings O-lineman, what would you do?

5.) The Rams still look like shit. They've got Kyle Boller now? Fine. Whatever. They still tackle like 3 year olds.

6.) Though Brett Favre is going to get all the hype this season, the much greater concern to me for the Packers' season is that the Cowboys running game looks fucking amazing. Felix Jones and Marion Barber are going to be pretty hard to stop and the Cowboys already had Shaq-sized lineman at every position. If they can stop masturbating like monkeys at the zoo over Tony Romo's throwing arm and just punish teams on the ground... fuck me they are going to be hard to stop. Fortunately they have Wade Philips for a coach and suffice to say, there's no Wonderlic test for head coaches. That man is half manatee.

7.) The Falcons also can't tackle for shit. But they have Matt Ryan, Michael Turner, Roddy White and now Tony Gonzalez. That offense is going to be exciting.

8.) Peyton Manning and Dwight Freeney look F-ing sharp as ever. The league never seems to catch up to them. Derek Anderson just let out a whistful sigh somewhere.

My Truth. You and I and everyone else are looking forward to the return of the video blog. Hopefully we won't have to wait too much longer.

JV

Dear Mr. Favre: You're Dead to Me. Temporarily...

WTF?????? It was OVER!! OVER!!! FAAAAAAAAAAAAVVVVVVVVRRRRRREEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! FUUUUUUUUUCK! And you fucking know that half the reason that the center of all evil in the universe, Brad Childress wants to do this is to rip the hearts out of Packer fans everywhere. If you can't win a super bowl you might as well desecrate the fondest memories of your rivals. It's not like it's a good or long (or even medium) term solution for the team. FUCKING DAMMIT!!!!!!!!

2009 Fantasy Draft Special

Biggie and Becker announce the 2009 Fantasy Draft Order. This kicks off the third season of RBTL. Another year, another iteration; this time we will break the barrier of distance using the magic of the internet to connect JV from Ithica, NY. Enjoy the Draft Special. Stay tuned.

RBTL- 2009 Fantasy Draft Special from RabbitProductions on Vimeo.

The First time Brett Farve Retired...

JV's last post reminded me of our third episode of Season #1, where Biggie was so fired up about Brett Farve leaving the NFL that he decided he needed to commemorate it with a poem. Little did he know that a year later he would be looking at the possibility of Farve in a Vikings jersey. But, as aforementioned that whole moral dilemma has been detoured.....at least so we think.

In the interest of getting more videos up on the blog, I have posted that classic episode below. Jump to 10:26 for Biggie's poem on Farve.

Read Between the Lines- Episode 3 from RabbitProductions on Vimeo.

Farve is Retired; Long live Brett Favre!!!!

Thank the Gods of all things natural and just in the sports world: BRETT FAVRE WILL STAY RETIRED!!!!!!!!!! Booyah! As a Packers fan I have recently found myself unable to focus on the all the important things: who will win the preseason training camp battle for punter? Who will capture the starting outside linebacker position? Will B.J. Raji go out like Korey Stringer and die from the lethal combination of fatness and heat before ever playing a game for THE PACK? I was ever distracted from these key issues by the looming nighmare specter in my (sub)conciouss of the totally possible opening day line, spoken by the newly back from retirement John Madden: Here is Brett Favre preparing to take his first snap in a Vikings Jersey! This kept me up at night. In fact there is no real way to describe the terrors that shook me as every day passed and seemed to bring me closer to this reailty. And so imagine my shock, amazement, joy, titillation and fantastical shit-my-pants excitement to see the headline today: "Brett Favre decides to stay retired". I'm not sure what I have done to deserve this. In fact I'm pretty certain that I have done nothing to deserve this. I'm kind of an asshole most of the time. But I'll fucking take it!!! Now Biggie and I can fully prepare for another season of righteous unbridled hatred of all things respectively Packers and Vikings. We can rest assured that on the NFL's opening day night will be night, day will be day, black will remain black... instead of white, and a future Packers hall of famer, the gun slinger, the golden god of Quarterbacks everywhere will NOT ever wear that hateful ass purple fucking jersey. Seriously... purple.

Yes, his imaged is tarnished. Almost beyond repair, but that is a question for a day far in the future when he will get inducted into the hall of fame and people will reflect on the meaning of his career. In the meantime the suckballs Vikings still have no competent quarterback and I am IMMDEIATELY calling the NFC North for the PACK. As if there was ever any doubt. Your move, Biggie. Have fun with the Jewish spice and hope that you never have to play the Colts. HAHAHAHAHA! Pussy.

RBTL- Episode 6, 7/6/09

I'm proud to bring our first video to the blog. Episode 6 was the last episode for Season 2, but have no fear we will be back at the start of NFL football with Season 3! I also plan on going back and posting some older episodes and unreleased footage when I get a chance.

For now, enjoy the July edition of RBTL. It was definetly an all out hate fest. Eat a dick NASCAR!

Read Between the Lines!!! 7/6/09 from RabbitProductions on Vimeo.

NASCAR is so F-ing Redneck

HAHAHAHAHA!!!! This is too good to be true. In the baren wasteland of interesting sports stories; in the midst of the most hateful ass time of year for the self respecting sports fan, when the only news is about baseball players switching teams like Shawn Kemp switches fuck buddies, you get a gem like this:

JEREMY MAYFIELD TESTS POSITIVE FOR METH AGAIN; LASHES OUT

Not only does NASCAR have a star driver test positive for METH... TWICE, but then said star driver "lashes out" saying that he is being framed by NASCAR.

A couple of quick thoughts:

1. That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. You think NASCAR wants a driver to test positive for meth ever? Let alone twice? You think they are somehow unaware of how they're already perceived?

2. The accused is so fucking guilty that he even sounds like a drug addled anemic dipshit in his defense.

3. ESPN is now covering this saga with a video that opens, "this has all the makings of a soap opera" and then goes on to interview a gaggle of "expert" color commentators who all spew their observations in the same southern drawl that conjurs to mind the budweiser logo when you close your eyes and listen.

4. Performance enhancing drugs finally reach NASCAR and the form they take is: METH

5. NASCAR has only ever had the drama angle to sell themselves. Every time that bullshit "sport" butts it's bucktoothed, mulleted head into Sportscenter, the opening line goes: "Today tempers flared in NASCAR. This driver is mad at this other driver for making him crash!" That's the news! DRAMA!

Oh NASCAR... you might have a whole lot of people that watch your all white, extra fat, non-athlete douchebags turn left 500 times in a row, but you cannot escape your identity. The Tom Brady of atheltes - refined, clean cut, super-model-dating, seemingly intelligent - will always elude your grasp. Yours are the Tony Stewarts of the world, the Jeremy Mayfields. Your problem will always be Meth no matter how much you might wish for an HGH scandal. You are so fucking redneck it's almost not even funny anymore, except when it flares brightly into a SUPERNOVA of hillbillery like this Mayfield issue. Hil-arious!

My parting truth: If NASCAR ever decided to ban drinking at their events the whole sport would collapse. The next day. You know how true that is.

This whole thing where ex-athlete commentators (or their stylists – apparently that’s a profession) get to pick out their own suits for covering games is way out of control. Someone get Magic Johnson, Michael Irvin, and Emmit Smith under some sort of strict wardrobe guidelines or I'm going to lose my mind. They have a fucking dress code for NBA players showing up to a basketball game and walking through the back door and then they let Magic Johnson broadcast a whole game in the technicolor dream coat from hell? That thing would burn the eyeballs out of anyone having to look directly at it in person like a nuclear blast. Are... you FUCKING kidding me?


Secondly, I’m instantly sick of this whole post-game handshake snub drama bullshit. Nothing makes you more of a little bitch then calling out someone in the media for not shaking your hand and making you feel special after either you won and he's pissed, or he won and is in the middle of celebrating. I’m looking at you here, Dwight Howard and the entire Red Wings hockey club. Get yourself some fucking tissues because there was someone in the building who didn't respect you for being the special, needy little snowflake that you are and get the fuck over it. Being too pissed to shake your hand after the game is not disrespectful. It means that dude really, really wanted to beat you, and that's what you should want. If anything you should be hoping he's too upset to shake your hand if you're really competitive. Respect happens on the court. By not playing dirty; by playing your opponent hard without cheating and accepting that some times you will get beat by other good players. That's respect. It has fuckall to do with that bullshit handshake for the media’s sake that happens after the game. That's what pro athletes have to do. And now we know that more than ever. I can't believe that shit like that is making headline sports news. Less drama, ESPN. That's what shows like The Hills is for. I watch sports.

JV is a twat.

That's right folks, JV is a cunt. I felt the beauty of RBTL was the interaction between the two of us and of course the hookah and beer. Now that we have resorted to blogging, JV is happy because he can focus on his World of War Craft while he writes on this shit. In case our viewers did not know, JV is a level 41 hobbit dragon slayer and uses his intimidating shout at every opportunity.

With that out of the way, I read through JV's epic novel on his first post. After having to take 3 naps and get up for a snack, I do have to say that I am impressed. I could not agree more with the Nike commercial comments and seriously...everyone on the Nike marketing team should be punched in the cock/vagina (whatever is appropriate) for those MVP (most valuable puppet) commercials. ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS??!!! Most Valuable Puppet??!! That is what you came up with? Somebody jab a pencil in my eye so I don't need to watch anymore of this bullshit. Oh look, Kobe jumped in a car while Lebron drove real fast...fuckin' blow me.

On another note, WHEN WILL THIS BRETT FAVRE SHIT END!! Someone needs to drive up to ESPN studios and tell them that they are not E! Entertainment...WTF. This is not news...I repeat...THIS IS NOT NEWS!!! I am so sick and tired of this bullshit everyday: Favre took a shit, now he is whipping his ass, he ran out of TP, he went to the grocery store. Brad Childress mentioned the name Brett. But wait, he was only talking about the 12 year old child Brett, that he probably molested. THIS IS OBSURD. Either tell me Favre signed with the Vikings or tell me nothing at all. Brad Childress, if you read this, you shit on my world.

I hope this pleases my Ivy League cohort. He will enjoy the nothingness of Ithaca and be able to make it to WOWC Grand Master Douche level soon...I am so proud.

So Biggie is for some reason struggling with the merits of this blog. He was yelling things at me today like, we need more writers! And, Who's going to read it? So I fucking give up. But I will not let the sports world go without his insight. See the picture above and read the email that Biggie wrote today. He'll catch on.

A friend of mine saw this jersey over the weekend...HAHA!! Da Bears, lick Ragnars grundle!

SKOL,

zman

As I consider our first blog post I find myself troubled. I'm not sure that this will work. Obviously, there is the fact that my co-contributor and occasional co-host of the video version of RBTL, is a vortex of stupid. I'm not sure that if the ability to scream is removed from him that he can still make any sort of compelling sports points. I'll set the bar low but you should just brace yourself for seeing a shit load of Biggie writing in all capital letters saying things that start with, "I just took a shit and looked in the toilet and...". I’m serious.

Beyond my fears that my co-contributor may or may not have ridden the short bus to school back in the day, I am worried after reading the terms of use for these Google blogs. Specifically the following parts are of concern:

HATEFUL CONTENT: “Users may not publish material that promotes hate toward specific groups of people”
VIOLENT CONTENT: “Users may not publish direct threats of violence against any person or group.”

To our soon-to-be avid fans, let me say that we fully intend to ignore these guidelines. I hereby declare that this blog will be used for the express purpose of promoting hatred of professional and college athletes who are bitches, pussies, dumbasses, dipshits, soft, lazy, arrogant as fuck, may or may not have cheated to beat our teams and who currently or have ever played for the Minnesota Vikings. For example, Trash-varis Johnson is the worst fucking player I have ever seen start at quarterback and is still involved in a preseason "quarterback battle" in the Vikings camp this summer. What does that tell you? Also, A-rod is a cheating pussy ass prima donna super bitch who is not qualified to lick Don Mattingly's grundle.

Secondly I hereby declare that this blog will frequently contain, nay, feature direct threats of violence against Biggie where logic has failed to convince him. So assuming that we're still all good and will not be shut down by Google or reported to any sort of good person watch dog group, let's get into it.

Section 1 - In the toilet:

This one is hard to say given that all sports I watch are either in the finals (NBA) or the offseason (pro and college football; college basketball). But I gotta say the NBA is in the toilet:
1.) You didn’t get the Lebron-Kobe matchup you wanted
2.) You and your sponsors were shamelessly hyped an assumed finals matchup as early as the first round of the playoffs. That is bullshit.
3.) You have a serious credibility issue with your refs and how they make calls on superstars and bigger market teams.
4.) You have the shittiest draft class in years staring you in the face

Shamelessly masturbating all season to the thought of a Lebron Kobe matchup gives the impression of bias and inserts the influence of commercial marketing way too far into the competitive field. When I refer to the shameless masturbation on the part of the league, I’m referring to the marketing blitz surrounding the Lakers and Cavs final matchup. I simply do not believe that League does not have control over how they are marketed. Nike running Lebron-Kobe commercials is the same in my mind to the NBA running those commercials. They actively hype their stars to promote their league of course, but I’m pretty sure they went way too far this time. Maintain some objectivity.

I don’t need to point out the NBA’s credibility gap with their refs. It's been pretty well covered. I don’t know how to fix it necessarily – I’ll leave that to smarter people. But there’s been a disturbingly high number of games and even series in recent memory that feel like the result was called in by David Stern.

And frankly your prospective draft lottery prominently features two guards (Stephon Curry and Ricky Rubio) that weigh a maximum of 160 pounds respectively… soaking wet. And Hasheem Thabeet. Nuff said.

Section 2 - Pyramid of Douchebaggery:

Row 1:
Manny Ramirez – Tested positive for steroids and defended himself by saying that his doctor had prescribed him a drug that stimulates ovaries.

Baseball fans: Manny Ramirez is still third in the all star voting – you don’t even care anymore!

Brandon Marshall – You cannot stay out of the news for things like beating your girlfriend and drugs. You have to be kidding me. How hard is it to go to work, come home, have a beer, watch TV and go to bed. None of those things involves getting arrested. How is it so hard? Wise the fuck up!

Row 2:

Robin Soderling: Ever heard of him? Of course not. He’s the dude who beat Rafael Nadal in the French Open, breaking Nadal’s clay court win streak. Afterwards he talked a bunch of shit about how it wasn’t even his best match and how he’s got a big dick and blah blah blah. If he wins the French open, I’ll have to take some of this back, but in the meantime have a little humility when you’ve beaten the world number one player because you were lucky enough to catch him on his worst day. Pussy.

Everyone who is in the basketball reporting division at ESPN: The Magic lost a game on the road. Big fucking deal. Yeah it was ugly, but to have a thousand doomsday columns about how the Magic are dead in the water for the rest of the finals is Bullshit. They just didn’t hit their threes. That’s it. Orlando’s going to make it a series; especially given the fucked up finals format. They’re going to have 3 games in a row at home. ESPN is just a modern day media conglomerate version of chicken little. The Fox News of sports reporting – yeah, I went there.

Top of the pyramid: John Calipari - Never been known as a great coach. Great recruiter? Definitely. Program builder? For sure. Your team will be better for having Calipari at it’s head. But it won’t be good enough because even with the NBA team he had two years ago, they still lost. And you can argue that that wasn’t his fault, and it’s true – but it’s also true that he has never won a championship. But the question has always remained – how does he get these recruits? He is at least in the hunt for every top prospect at every position every year. And now maybe we know. Looks like he has a pretty sweet way of laundering SAT scores. Robert Dozier and Derrick Rose have both been implicated in an SAT cheating operation. The obvious conclusion here is that John Calipari has built his teams every year, not through tireless recruiting effort and an expertise in talking to elite 17 year old basketball players, but through out and out cheating. Offering a scholarship to players who cannot even pass the SAT – and for college athletes, that bar is pretty low. I never really like John Calipari in the past because he’s a huge douche and used to get in screaming matches with John Chaney at press conferences and overall has a complete absence of poise and dignity. But I used to at least have to respect him. Now he’s pretty much just a douche.

Section 3 - Hate of the Week:

Nike Basketball: FUCK YOU! Remember when you debuted that whole lineup of stars that you had bought? It was all sick and it had Kobe and Lebron and Chris Paul and Rasheed Wallace and basically it was the US Olympic team? Remember that? What the fuck ever happened to that? Now all we get is these stupid ass commercials using Puppets to hype a Lebron Kobe matchup that isn’t even going to happen, at the expense of the rest of the league. When you were hyping all 12 dudes at least there was a star in there from a fairly good cross section of teams. But this whole business of predicting the finals with your bullshit commercials before the first round is over pisses me off. And, AND the commercials aren’t even funny. They’re annoying and we’ve already seen them 50,000 times. When you were making those commercials with “The Lebrons“, that was awesome. I can’t believe you ever walked away from it. For myself, I didn’t really care about the Magic before. I mean Dwight Howard is cool and everything but whatever, I was pretty neutral. Now I want them to win so badly, so they can go through both of the stars whose images you are currently humping the shit out of and deliver a big fat shit bomb into the lap of your marketing department and hopefully make someone over there say, “You know, maybe calling the finals at the very beginning of the playoffs is not only incredibly douchey and against the whole spirit of the playoffs as it is, but even bad for business.” Fuck you. There is a reason they play the games. And if nothing better happens in the playoffs for this Nuggets fan than watching you motherfuckers learn that, that will be fine with me.

Read Between the Lines!!!

Brace yourself...