NASCAR is so F-ing Redneck

HAHAHAHAHA!!!! This is too good to be true. In the baren wasteland of interesting sports stories; in the midst of the most hateful ass time of year for the self respecting sports fan, when the only news is about baseball players switching teams like Shawn Kemp switches fuck buddies, you get a gem like this:

JEREMY MAYFIELD TESTS POSITIVE FOR METH AGAIN; LASHES OUT

Not only does NASCAR have a star driver test positive for METH... TWICE, but then said star driver "lashes out" saying that he is being framed by NASCAR.

A couple of quick thoughts:

1. That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. You think NASCAR wants a driver to test positive for meth ever? Let alone twice? You think they are somehow unaware of how they're already perceived?

2. The accused is so fucking guilty that he even sounds like a drug addled anemic dipshit in his defense.

3. ESPN is now covering this saga with a video that opens, "this has all the makings of a soap opera" and then goes on to interview a gaggle of "expert" color commentators who all spew their observations in the same southern drawl that conjurs to mind the budweiser logo when you close your eyes and listen.

4. Performance enhancing drugs finally reach NASCAR and the form they take is: METH

5. NASCAR has only ever had the drama angle to sell themselves. Every time that bullshit "sport" butts it's bucktoothed, mulleted head into Sportscenter, the opening line goes: "Today tempers flared in NASCAR. This driver is mad at this other driver for making him crash!" That's the news! DRAMA!

Oh NASCAR... you might have a whole lot of people that watch your all white, extra fat, non-athlete douchebags turn left 500 times in a row, but you cannot escape your identity. The Tom Brady of atheltes - refined, clean cut, super-model-dating, seemingly intelligent - will always elude your grasp. Yours are the Tony Stewarts of the world, the Jeremy Mayfields. Your problem will always be Meth no matter how much you might wish for an HGH scandal. You are so fucking redneck it's almost not even funny anymore, except when it flares brightly into a SUPERNOVA of hillbillery like this Mayfield issue. Hil-arious!

My parting truth: If NASCAR ever decided to ban drinking at their events the whole sport would collapse. The next day. You know how true that is.